The Brown Rain

In 1998 I had an operation to have my ears pinned back. The operation was a success but a few days after I arrived home, I started to feel unwell. I invited my friend Martin to my house and in the evening I cooked a curry and we just chatted and watched TV. I then had an upset stomach causing me to have bad Diarrhea (is there any other kind?), which I believed was caused by the food we’d eaten. Martin however was fine.

After Martin went home, my symptoms worsened, so much so that throughout the night I lay in bed in the fetal position.

In the morning my symptoms had not improved and I was now passing blood anally. I went to the chemist to purchase some over-the-counter medicine, but by the time I arrived home I was so exhausted that I fell on my bed. Every time I stood up, the room would rotate around me.

Later that afternoon, my friend Nick came to my house. I lived up two floors of a multiple occupancy building, so the walk downstairs and back again tired me out. Yet again I returned to my bed in the fetal position. Nick said to me “Paul, you look so ill. Last time I saw someone as ill as you he had AIDS”. Well thanks Nick.

I asked Nick to phone the doctor and he arrived sometime after Nick had left. The doctor diagnosed colitis. He advised to me to phone again 24 hours later should the symptoms persist.

In little under 48 hours, I had lost a stone in weight. Normally I’d be delighted with this level of weight loss but I was far too ill to care. The doctor was summoned to my bed again and after a variety of tests I was admitted to hospital, where I arrived by ambulance.

I was attached to a drip for the rest of the day and I did start to feel better although my arse did feel like the morning after the eruption of Krakatoa.

The cause of my stomach upset was due to an allergic reaction to Penicillin, which was in the antibiotics I was taking after the operation. I’ve only ever taken Penicillin once since then, and that also brought on another dose of ‘The Brown Rain’.

The following day I was informed I’d be having an endoscopy. I’d never heard this term before but was informed I’d be having a camera inserted into my anus. I now know the correct term is a colonoscopy, but that word was never mentioned at the time.

So I was wheeled into the Endoscopy Unit on a gurney. As I lay there, two nurses approached me with enthusiastic smiles. One nurse said “Well Mr. Brown, as you know, you are about to have your endoscopy. Just one question! Do you have any crowns or fillings?”

To which I replied “How high up does this thing go?”

The nurses collapsed with laughter. I’m not entirely sure I saw the funny side. I had this image of a camera being pushed so far up my anus, that if they’d put some brushes on the end of it, they could have brushed my teeth.

I was then wheeled round to a monitor where another nurse tried to keep me calm by informing me that the procedure wouldn’t hurt but may cause me some discomfort. She then advised me to squeeze her hand if I needed to. Oh I needed to. I think after the procedure it was likely we’d be comparing which of us were in more pain.

The camera was then slowly inserted into my anus. I was lying on my side and watching a black and white monitor, when a technician said “Doesn’t look very good.”

Didn’t feel very good either.

#toilethumour