Useless Gadgets

Gadgets, gadgets, gadgets! We men love a gadget. I already own an IPad and yet among the many junk emails I receive every day, for a few brief few seconds I'm forever contemplating and talking myself out of purchasing an Android or Windows tablet. What do I need another tablet for?

As a child during the 70's and 80's, I remember a toy called the Sonic Ear. I never owned one and never met anyone who did. But I was intrigued by it. It looked like a gun that you point in a direction of where other people were and allowed you to hear their conversations. I wasn't a very popular child, and on reflection I imagine this toy would be like having a super power enabling you to read other people's minds. This super power would only induce paranoia, but hey! Aren't all super-heroes miserable? I can imagine complaining to mummy that the toy they bought me for Christmas, keeps calling me a “wanker”.

This gadget was completely useless, that might be why no child I knew owned one. It's fair to say that most of the useless gadgets in your home are gathering dust in one room in your house, and that's the kitchen.

How many times have been seduced by commercials or infomercials advertising a product, you believe will revolutionise your life? In the past I've not only been seduced, but serenaded and anally raped.

The first kitchen gadget I bought was an electric yoghurt maker. I don't recall ever seeing one being sold anywhere other than second hand shops, charity shops or car boot sales. The penny should have dropped really. I'm not entirely sure it really could be classed as a yoghurt maker really, as you required bought yoghurt to make it work. It was a set of five see-through containers that sat inside a circular container that heated the yoghurt to a temperature similar to the heat generated by a slow cooker. It required a small amount of yoghurt topped up with UHT milk and would ferment for several hours. The result was sour yoghurt that was no resemblance to yoghurt bought in shops. You could use yoghurt made from each batch to make several more batches. It's no coincidence that car boot sales were awash with unwanted yoghurt makers. I later purchased an Easyio yoghurt maker, which used flavoured powders to make flavoured yoghurt. Although the flavours were pleasant, I'm not convinced this was really yoghurt making.

The popcorn maker was another one of my many appalling purchases where I was seduced by the shopping channel, QVC. The popcorn maker was advertised as a health food item because the machine blow-dries the popcorn and doesn't use any oil or sugar during the heating process. The result was a bowlful of tasteless corn. Opportunities to attach sugar to the popcorn resulted in disaster, as without moisture, the popcorn was as dry and tasteless as polystyrene. Sugar refused to glue itself to the popcorn, and to add hot butter or oil would result in the popcorn cowering back into its own kernels.

Infomercials yet again seduced me with the bread maker. However, all bread makers were advertised on their respected shopping channels as being cheaper to make than buying real bread (not true). To make bread required purchasing strong bread flour, which isn't cheap. The presenters would also tell you that the bread wouldn't contain air holes, which they convinced the viewer as being a good thing. Have you ever eaten bread without air holes? Well don't. It's like eating a brick. Although the appliance was a joy to use, it was a nightmare to remove the loaf and clean the machine. The bread maker contained a dough blade that would knead the dough but also remain in the machine while cooking. This meant that every loaf of bread had to have the blade prized out of the freshly cooked loaf, leaving a gaping hole that looked like a mouse had nestled into. The bread was lovely to eat while warm, but the moment it was cold, it was very heavy and not very pleasant at all. After an Internet search, I discovered that by buying vitamin powder, this would create more air holes in my bread. I gave up and sold it to someone who claimed she already had two more bread makers at home. It's comforting to know there is someone three times more stupid than me.

The Panini maker has to rank as the worst purchase of my life. I base this on its lack of versatility and lack of use in our kitchen it received. I later bought a 'George Foreman Grill', which performs a number of tasks the Panini maker doesn't do. It fries food and makes toasted sandwiches, and can do Panini’s. Sadly the Panini machine does nothing else, so unless you fancy a Panini, it will just gather dust. I was fortunate enough to find someone stupid enough to buy it.

One item I never bought but had as a child was a 'Soda Stream'. Words fail me as to why this product is still on sale over 30 years after I had one. It was advertised as being able to make fizzy drinks cheaper than you can buy them. This apparent fact is not true. After buying replacement gas canisters and flavoured liquids, the drinks ended up not being cheap at all. They also weren't very nice to drink. All fizz and no flavour. Instead of applying the flavoured liquids to the carbonated water, I would often apply them to lemonade, just to improve the flavour. The enthusiasm subsided very quickly.

Some kitchen gadgets I've purchased have their uses. I own three slow cookers, a microwave, a George Foreman Grill and a rotisserie. All very versatile and useful. However, any current QVC addict or Robert Dyas customer should be extra cautious. The current fad is the soup maker. It does nothing else other than make soup, and will set you back at least £20 more than a liquidiser, which can do the same thing.

Right! Where did I leave my credit card?

#miscellaneous