The Bugatti Pram

I'm pretty certain that, even the most intelligent or worldly wise person must occasionally have no idea or opinion of certain topics. I've a friend who's very knowledgeable on things that interest him, but if you mention football, you may as well be talking to him in Swahili. I've often wondered whether it would be worth hoodwinking him into believing that Manchester Rovers are 5 points clear in the English Defence League.

I am somewhat weak when it comes to children, a subject I know absolutely nothing about until the last 4 years. I'm 44 years old and never wanted or even considered children. Previously I have told people that I think all children should be drowned at birth. Since becoming a father I have noticed my attitude has mellowed. It's only most of them I'd drown.

Children has never been on my radar. What do they do? They cost you money, they shit and piss themselves. They cause trouble. They get themselves or someone else pregnant. They steal. They take drugs. The tell lies. The only time they stop lying is when they inform you of their hatred of being born. Being a single person, I've only ever had to satisfy myself (the best things in life are free). The money I earn is mine and I resent anyone who has a passing interest in it. Family members have struggled to 'borrow' money from me. When relatives descend on my home I develop a cloaking device that has allowed me to evade the syphoning from my wallet. I am very proud of my super power. It has served me well over the years. As with all super heroes, they all have a weakness, and mine is guilt. Superman can only be weakened with Kryptonite and my wallet can only be emptied with emotional blackmail. The moment the seed has been planted, and it starts to grow, it transmits a frequency that communicates with and scrambles your brain. As a man, you become unable to function as before. It feels like the cave hacker is rewriting your software, while you pointlessly try to regain command of it. The first time I tried to regain command was over the expense of a pram. Over £400 I was quoted. £400? They don't cost that much do they? That eats into my Xbox and flatscreen TV fund. For £400 I'd expect it to perform vertical take off and be armed with heat seeking missiles. Alas, it did neither of those things. Its special features included excellent build quality and a legendary turning circle. Sadly, I had expected more. Recently an ex-work colleague announced she was pregnant with twins. She informed me that the cheapest pram she could find was going to cost her over £1300. I can't imagine why it was so expensive. Maybe it has ejector seats to jettison her children.

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